If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you’ll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness. Sharon Salzberg
We live in lonely times. Experts warn of an epidemic of loneliness 1 in 4 Australians report feeling lonely at least one day a week. Unmarried men experience the most loneliness according to a study by Relationships Australia.
Loneliness is a modern phenomena – the word loneliness hardly appears in classical literature. Modern loneliness isn’t just about being physically removed from other people. Instead, it’s an emotional state of feeling apart from others – without necessarily being so. Someone surrounded by people, or even accompanied by friends or a lover, can complain of feelings of loneliness.
There are many possible causes, urbanization, increasing work pressures, the breakdown of the family, social media and male role models. Men are socialized not to talk about their feelings. In a recent interview the famous actor Anthony Hopkins revealed he abhors scenes where he has to show feelings such as grief.
Evolutionary psychologists believe that not showing vulnerability may have had survival value for men in a hunter-gatherer society. Even in our modern urbanized society men still have to compete for jobs, status and of course women, and appearing vulnerable is not conducive to achieving these goals.
But recent research shows that too much isolation is bad for our survival; it distorts immune functioning and is the #1 psycho-social risk factor for disease. Loneliness also increases your likelihood of succumbing to a range of conditions including breast cancer, PTSD and AIDS. Experts believe that being lonely is worse for your health than drinking or not exercising (https://medium.com/s/story/can-loneliness-kill-you-6ea3cab4eab0).
So how can we find a balance between surviving and connecting? The answer is to become more emotionally connected with yourself first. Joining a club wont help if you are estranged from yourself. How does one do this?
- Pay more attention to your feelings. If surviving is about ignoring how you are feeling, then connecting involves paying more attention to how you are feeling. Not in an indulgent self-absorbed way, but in a balanced way; acknowledging feelings such as fear and hurt and attending to them.
- Never never never judge your feelings. Feelings are an innate response to life, our nervous system giving us survival messages, Feelings are never stupid or shameful. Never judge your feelings.
- Face your fears. Loneliness is actually born of trying to be someone you are not in order to avoid abandonment. Acknowledge the part of you that feels vulnerable and afraid (just as you would your own children) by accepting those feelings, attending to them, nourishing them.
- Find someone you feel safe with to talk to. Find someone you feel safe with, someone who you know you can just be yourself with. Your gut reaction will usually tell you who this is. It should be someone from your existing social circle rather than someone you have just met. A good therapist can also fill the need and there is nothing wrong with paying for this service.
Image Credit:
Matthew Fassnacht