Some of you older readers might remember a book that was very popular a few years ago called ‘I’m okay you’re okay.’ The book described how we develop beliefs about ourselves as children which inform how we see ourselves and others. Ideally we see ourselves and others as okay, but for various reasons many of us grow up believing (or at least feeling) ‘I’m not okay – you’re okay.’ This typically arises as a result of not receiving sufficient positive emotional regard (or attunement) as a child. Children are little balls of emotion reacting to what’s going on around them in a much less conditioned way than grown-ups, their nervous systems are like young trees in the early stage of getting established. As Dan Seagal says
“As children develop, their brains “mirror” their parent’s brain. In other words, the parent’s own growth and development, or lack of those, impact the child’s brain. As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well.”
While no one is perfect, unfortunately a lot of parents (at least 50%) according to attachment studies) are not as well equipped emotionally as they should be when it comes to raising children. Insufficient emotional nourishment (let alone abuse) inhibits the child’s emotional, intellectual and even neurological development. This happens outside the child’s conscious awareness, but children learn to sense from a very young age when their parent(s) is/are unavailable, because a child’s sense of safety depends upon the feeling that they are not alone. This leaves the child in a dilemma – how to get that feeling of love and connection they need, because there is nothing more terrible for a child than feeling alone and unloved.
Without consciously realizing it a lot of children conclude that there must be something wrong with them and that if they change they can fix the problem. So instead of learning that they can have needs and express them, and trust that others will respond, the child might learn that it is better to be quiet and try and solve their problems by themself. This is called a shame defence since its purpose is to decrease feelings of worthlessness, according to trauma expert Jim Knipe. Such children often develop into very successful adults, at least on the outside. But inside they may never have learned how to let anyone get close and harbour deep feelings of inadequacy. They experience themselves as both ‘I’m okay’ (successful part) and ‘I’m not okay’ (insecure part).
Sooner or later, when their coping mechanisms finally fail, they develop anxiety (eg; ‘what if I’m not good enough?’) and/or depression (eg; “no matter how hard I try I can never succeed”). At this point they are essentially stuck with ‘Im not okay.’ This is often when they seek therapy, hopefully with a therapist who can see beyond their anxiety or depression and has the skills to help them replace the missing emotional learning that underlies their symptoms. So they can say “I’m okay – you’re okay’ and believe it.
In my next blog post I’ll talk about some of the things that I think can help restore that missing emotional learning.