Updated August 16, 2021
Overcoming chronic pain involves many elements, like baking a cake. First you have to find all the right ingredients, mix them together under ideal conditions, and then wait, (baking a cake takes time). The waiting part can be hard because you never know quite when that cake is going to rise, but if you have the right mix of ingredients (below), practice them regularly, maintain hope and patience, you will eventually feel better* .
- Find Safety (the 3 S’s)
Find somewhere, someone or something (3 x s’s) to hold onto that makes you feel secure. It must be something/somewhere/someone that stimulates a state of unconditional safety and well-being in you, though the very sensory reactions it stimulates. An idyllic natural place you have visited, a trusted friend or mentor, a hot pool etc. And then practice imagining yourself there and how being there makes you feel as an antidote to your pain and stress. - Accept the pain
Although unpleasant and sometimes inexplicable, pain is an unavoidable part of life. You cannot get rid of the pain anymore than you can get rid of yourself. Accepting the pain means being open to those unpleasant feelings, and really engaging with them. There is a saying in science that just observing something changes it. Accepting the pain also means letting go of the desire to control it. But when you do this the pain will reveal its secrets to you and start to change. This takes real courage. - Understand the pain
Acceptance leads to understanding; what unmet need is this pain alerting you to? What is its hidden message or purpose? (to warn; punish or protect?). Based on your answer to this question, what do you need to be able to live with less pain? After initially finding it hard to answer this question, Mary finally realized that there was an old and deep part of her personality that believed she deserved to be punished. In the unsafe world of her childhood this was about being invisible to as not to attract negative attention. Once she was able to let go of this attitude, (with the help of a therapist) her stress levels decreased, her self-care improved and her pain slowly started to decrease. - Heal any unresolved emotional trauma:
If there are any unresolved intensely painful memories that you have not deal with, now is the time to address them. Otherwise they will continue to exacerbate your pain through raised levels of physical tension, emotional distress and decreased ability to get your needs met. A trauma-therapist with EMDR training can help here. - Stabilize your feelings:
Chronic pain is 80% emotion. Practice managing negative feelings such as anger, shame, anxiety and depression through emotional regulation strategies such as breath-awareness, accepting and acting on feelings, expressing feelings vs holding them in, letting go of negative emotions such as anger or shame (forgiving self and others), engaging in activities which stimulate joy, peace and hope. The more in control you feel of your emotions, the more in control you will feel generally. The author’s anxiety release and sleep restore apps can help with this. - Learn how to manage the pain:
You don’t have to suffer or learn to live with it. Learn how to harness the power of your mind to manage chronic pain using self-hypnosis, self-use of BLS (bilateral stimulation), meditation, distraction, engaging in enjoyable activities and other self-management strategies. The authors ‘Change Your Brain Change Your Pain’ book and his Overcomingpain app can help with this. - Avoid stress:
Go through your contacts list and delete all negative relationships, people and circumstances from your life (including members of your family if necessary!). You simply cannot afford to be tolerating any toxic relationships or carrying people who are ‘dead weight’ in your life. All your energy must be directed towards your well-being. Its not selfish – its survival. The author’s calm and confident app will help you with this. - Develop an attitude of self-compassion:
Stop judging yourself and start loving yourself. This means accepting your physical limitations (including grieving lost capabilities), adopting an attitude of tolerance and kindness toward yourself, living life at your pace, ensuring you get adequate rest and nutrition. You must be for yourself in life – no one else will be. - Do something
No matter how helpless and hopeless you feel, setting goals and taking action (however little) will help restore your sense of control. Depending on your personality it could be collecting stamps, caring for a pet, learning a new skill. - Reinvent yourself:
The Chinese symbol for crisis also means opportunity. Surviving pain means you will need to find new ways of finding joy, purpose and meaning, and possibly new things based on your changed physical capabilities. This will require internal mental adjustments and alterations in your sense of self/identity (eg; I am okay even if I can’t do everything I think others expect). Change be can be scary but like pain it too is inevitable. - Give it time
Unlearning painful patterns of feeling takes time, like learning to ride a bike in reverse. While is natural to want to know, “how long before I feel better?” this too is actually part of your old controlling self. Maintain hope and trust that your subconscious mind will respond to your efforts in its own time.
*Not necessarily completely pain free but better.